After several weeks of hiding and down time, a few weeks ago I made an official announcement to the non profit organization that I founded Indie Music For Life and its two entities Laughs For Life and Indiegrrl. I dropped off of this blog page for a month and am ready to write again. I needed a break. A break to sort through things. To sort through life.

When you or a loved one are diagnosed with cancer it changes your life. Finding out you have cancer takes your breath away and from that point your breath is the most valuable thing to you in your life. Breath and time. Nothing is normal any more. Not your dreams, your nightmares, and not your waking moments.

A personal diagnosis of chronic myloid leukemia in February sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. At that point, all the fear, terror, and stomach knots from my past rounds of cancer came back. Nobody free of cancer could ever appreciate how utterly devastating the news of contracting it could be and the news that it has returned is even more devastating because you know what uphill climbs you must make again. Once you have been diagnosed with cancer you always look over your shoulder for the beast to return. He has caught up with me several times now and so I am speeding up in my race trying to see who is the best long distance runner. Every ache you feel or every little un-ordinary thing that happens with your body sends you into " What If " mode. It is extremely hard living in that mode of thinking but you can't avoid it.

My past struggles with cancer were very private. But then I was not the head of a non profit organization that raises money for cancer research and educational awareness on the powers of music and laughter as therapy for cancer patients. I wasn't the head of the largest networking group of female songwriters known as Indiegrrl that has since become a part of Indie Music for Life. Laughs For Life had not even been thought of yet and now with the direction and help of good friend and comedian Shelly Ryan it is now a reality. I hadn't even started my music career. Having cancer is what lead me to pursue my career in music and chase my dreams. It wasn't until I started working on my CDs that my cancer became really public other than with my close friends and family and then working to set up the Indie Music For Life non profit put it out there even more.I have been around a lot of cancer patients since founding the Indie Music For Life non profit. Some are still alive and some have passed away. Over and over you hear the stories of struggles trying to over come this disease. At fund raising events sometimes it is hard for me to keep from crying all night as people come up to me and tell me their stories about themselves or family members or other loved ones that are fighting or that have lost the battle with cancer. It is humbling and it is overwhelming. I never get numb of it because I know the devastating truths of it all to well. I get hundreds of emails monthly with people finding us by stumbling onto our website or My Space page, letting me know how much they care for us, giving us prayers to continue what we are doing now and what we want to accomplish in the future. I have befriended so many people going through or that have gone through cancer and each with a different story. Several family members have died in the past year from the disease. It has been overwhelming. Writing for the cancer blog puts me around it even more with the research for the articles and the news coverage that we try to write our prospective.


So for several weeks I just had to step away. Crawl back into myself. Try to be normal again. Try to pick up my guitar and play and write. Try to get some focus and redirection. Take a look into the depths of myself to find enough strength to face a beast again that has wreaked havoc on my body several times before. My will is worn down and my heart is having a hard time getting into that positive mode or fighter spirit. The thoughts of not growing old with my loved ones and friends is devastating. The thoughts of trying to find someone to take care of my my beautiful deaf Dalmatian, Kiva, sends me into uncontrollable tears because I am the one that knows the sign language to communicate with her. The thoughts of seeing what I have worked tirelessly for for three years with the Indie Music For Life non profit and its entities Laughs For Life and Indiegrrl to just fall apart is devastating to my soul. Battling cancer has left me a stronger person in a lot of ways because it teaches you endurance and a will that you never know you have, but yet I am weaker and weaker physically and emotionally. A lot of people say it gives them an insight on life that they never had before. I felt some of that. More in the way of "What am I leaving behind that really counts or matters".

Right now I just want to be normal again. I want to borrow more time so I can get the things done that are important to me. I want to hold my friends hands and talk about politics, world changes, music, art, and food. I want to play with my little girl Kiva and roll on the floor in laughter. I want to spend more time with my family now that I am back home after living away for 30 years.

And then last Monday a tragedy 1 hour up the road hit home. The terrible shootings at Virginia Tech that took so many young and promising lives with those students and that took dedicated educators in their fields making a difference with young minds. It put our community at a stand still. I realized then nothing is normal. None of us ever know how much time, how many breaths, we have left to breathe.

So I am back to blogging today. Back to hitting the ground with my knees and praying hard. Back to focusing on what needs to be done in this world that an individual effort can make a difference. Back to what matters. The here and now.